I Think We Have Different Definitions of the Word Happy...

Every day I read For Better or For Worse and Dear Abby through Yahoo. I also go through Yahoo because they have top and interesting news stories listed, since I am terrified to watch my local news, since all they talk about are murderers, rapists, and terrorists all plotting to get me one way or another (The Phoenix Fox station's theme song goes "Just you watch the best!", so I always change it to "Just you watch the deaths!") I prefer to ignore the gore locally and peruse the news through Yahoo's filter. They just started a new food section, which I had high hopes for. Unfortunately, it's not as cool as I was hoping, but I'm crossing my fingers that it improves as time goes on. Anyway, a few days ago I came across an article called Top Ten Happy Foods by Joy Bauer. I was very excited because I have been feeling kind of down lately (hence the no posts) and even though I (fortunately) have never turned to food for comfort, I was intrigued. Then I read the list, which I have helpfully copied for you here. Hopefully I will not go to jail for doing so.

"1. Wild salmon (rich in omega 3 fats and vitamin D)
2. Spinach - (rich in folic acid and soluble fiber)
3. Skim milk - (rich in Vitamin D and B12)
4. Ground flaxseeds (rich soluble fiber, omega 3 fats and folic acid)
5. Blackberries (rich in soluble fiber and folic acid)
6. Omega 3 fortified eggs - (rich in omega 3 fats, Vitamin D and B12)
7. Sardines ( rich in omega 3 fats and Vitamin D)
8. Soybeans - (rich in soluble fiber, folic acid and omega 3 fats)
9. Beans (rich in soluble fiber and folic acid)
10. Brussels sprouts (soluble fiber and folic acid)
Plus an extra for good luck!
11. Sunflower seeds - (rich in soluble fiber and folic acid)"

Apparently Joy Bauer thinks the word "happy" actually means vomit inducing. I was cracking up with her "extra for good luck!" suggestion. Are you kidding me? There are 3 things on that list that I will actually willingly eat (2,5, & 8), but I would never describe the feeling I got while eating them as happy. Well, maybe the soybeans but that is only because I had them as super salty edamame at the Bamboo Club after 1 or 7 B.C. Berry martinis, so I'm attributing the happy feeling to the booze. Remember how I said food didn't comfort me... I'm just kidding, Fay!!!

But seriously, reading Joy's list evoked several feelings in me (confusion, disgust, distrust), but happiness only crossed my mind when I realized that I could totally write a blog making fun of her list! So, I am now contributing my list of 10 happy foods, that I think may make Joy reach for a soy-blackberry-flaxseed (WTH are those? Are they friends with caraway seeds?)-skim milk shake to calm her nerves. These aren't in any particular order, and my "extra for good luck!" comes not in the form of an 11th nasty foodstuff, but a warning... Eat these items at your own risk. I'm only saying they taste good, I don't think they are good for you.

1.) B.C. Berry Martinis. Yes, the "s" is necessary, as you cannot just have one to experience the full happiness they have to offer. Just don't have too many, or they will leave you feeling VERY sad, usually the next morning, as your head pounds, your room spins, and you try to figure out if you really actually spent $50 on just drinks. So I've heard, I mean.

2.) Pie. This really doesn't need much explanation. I mean, pie just rules. Especially lemon meringue, whipped cream with a sliver of pumpkin, and apple, peach, or blueberry with crumble topping. Lattice work pies make me angry because I'm really just in it for the filling. You can also keep the crusts.

3.) Ranch dressing. What doesn't ranch make taste better!? Fries, a piece of lettuce with a hardboiled egg and cheese, and buffalo chicken sandwiches are all decent without the help of ranch, but with, they are unstoppable!

4.) Select Taco Bell special promotional items. While I never did get my hands on that Nacho Cheese Grilled Stuft Burrito before it went down in history, I feel I played an instrumental role in getting the Crunchwrap Supreme and Nacho Cheese Chalupas to become menu mainstays by eating more of them in a few weeks than a person should probably ever eat in a lifetime, thus making Taco Bell think there was a great demand for these items. Fortunately, there was. From me. I am now working on securing a place for those delicious grilled stuft taquitos, but I'm afraid my heart's just not in it, so don't be surprised when they too are gone forever.

5.) Pretty much anything you'd normally deep fry. Vegetables like potatoes (oh man, especially when they are waffle fries), mushrooms, and zucchini are surprisingly good when breaded, deep fried, and dunked in vats of ranch! They're probably totally healthy too, being vegetables and all. Fried mozzarella is also excellent and a great source of calcium!

6.) Chocolate chip cookie dough with no or very few chips, cake and brownie batter. Salmonella be damned. Pre-baked goods are wonderful!

7.) Plastic cheese. This is what I refer to the unnaturally colored orange cheese that comes in little tubs for you to dip fries, chips, tacos with a poor meat to cheese ratio, and anything else your heart desires as. Although, what I'm afraid your heart actually desires is for you to stop eating plastic cheese.

8.) Moxie Cherry Cola and pot stickers, but not necessarily together. I know they aren't related, but I wanted to put them both on the list without an 11th item for good luck! and this pairing makes sense if you bear with me for a minute. I love Moxie cherry cola. I also love pot stickers. I will even sometimes purposely pick the steamed ones over the fried ones. Joy would be so proud! One of the reasons that I love pot stickers so much (actually, only the pot stickers from Pei Wei or Bamboo Club) is because they come with this little dipping cup filled with this brown concoction that tastes like liquid salt. Sooo yummy! Here's where it all comes together... Moxie cherry cola is also a brown concoction! Thankfully it does not taste like liquid salt.

9.) Butter with bread/ rolls or blueberry muffins. When my brother and I were little, we thought margarine was better than butter. I'm not sure why, but I am thankful I grew out of thinking that motor oil tasted more buttery than butter. The blueberry muffins that I have a slight preference for are made by Jiffy and cost any where from 25 to 75 cents a box. I believe the "blueberries" are actually pieces of blueberry flavored candy. Sorry, Joy.

10.) Hot dogs. I'm sorry. They are seriously disgusting, but I love, love, love them. Especially when I pretend I have no idea what they are made of. Remember when I stumbled across that program about hot dogs? That was awesome.

This list is really just the first 10 happy foods that came to me as I was writing this today. It is not by any means complete (I know I left out staples such as candy and nachos) but it did make me happy to write, so I think I will have to make more specialized lists; like Top Ten Happy Italian Dishes, Top Ten Happy Girly Martinis, and Top Ten Happy Restaurants. So, I guess that in the end, in a rather round about way Joy Bauer's list of Top Ten Happy Foods, really did work. Thanks, Joy! Congratulate yourself with another helping of sunflower seeds. For good luck!